the internal Capgras

"you're the most competent person I know."

I felt myself jump, then wretch from disgust. Then came a slight tidal of fear. I am an imposter, have I mislead you? Maybe I am just too good at this wicked game of societal judgement. I am a horrible person. Not really me, but really me. I am a fraud.

just never enough (part I)

I am a strong person. Yet, there are two feelings I cannot bear - disappointment in myself, and not being heard. These emotions were much too familiar as I was growing up. So severe, that even as the stimuli subsided, despair would persist. I was forced so deeply below the sea level of contentment, that I think I have never fully resurfaced for air.

thank you for your life

Did my first ever surgery today... on a rat nonetheless. Inserting a tracheal tube, and cannulizing the carotid artery and jugular vein. Amazing. Incredible. Breathless.

It felt great to channel such an intense focus, as if it really meant life or death. Maybe it stems from my childhood playing with strings, papers, and scissors... but those suture threads, gauze pads, and hemostats felt so comfortable to use. The pointed, blunt, and straight forceps... like extensions of my own hands. I actually thought, maybe this was what I was meant to do. Do I belong in the OR?

I was so nervous about my rat awakening...but I kept focused on the tick-tock of its breath. It was strangely calming. At the time, it meant everything, the rest of the world melted away.

Thank you, my unnamed rat, for staying with me. I am glad you were there for this moment.