...and I hope then, that my words will be deafening, and you can finally hear me.
February 15, 2011
less than worthless
When a child has a terminal illness, it is absolutely essential to maintain a sense of normalcy. Not only does that mean educating them, but investing in their future. As an attempt to prevent them from entirely giving in, parents should instill the importance of achievement. For love of a child means reinforcing the worth of their life.
--
It was today, when she realized how absolutely worthless her life is. Once again, pivoting around the issue of money, and schooling, was a collision with the inescapable state of illness. In her own eyes, the value of her life constantly flickers, from moment to moment. Sometimes full of aspiration, at others amounting to nothing - likely to achieve nothing. Her self-doubt so great, another micro, nano, pico, femto, would be enough to end it.
Thanks dad, it great to know how entirely fucking hopeless, worthless, and meaningless my life is to you. All I hope, is that by the time I die, I will have enough written for you to understand me.
--
It was today, when she realized how absolutely worthless her life is. Once again, pivoting around the issue of money, and schooling, was a collision with the inescapable state of illness. In her own eyes, the value of her life constantly flickers, from moment to moment. Sometimes full of aspiration, at others amounting to nothing - likely to achieve nothing. Her self-doubt so great, another micro, nano, pico, femto, would be enough to end it.
Thanks dad, it great to know how entirely fucking hopeless, worthless, and meaningless my life is to you. All I hope, is that by the time I die, I will have enough written for you to understand me.
February 9, 2011
Fuck you McDonald's
Once in a while, I just want something greasy, overly-caloric, and carcinogen-laden. Sure, those chicken lumps contain bleach, ammonia, and were once pepto bismol pink; the patties not actually classifiable as cow; and the vegetables so incredibly lifeless. But, I can overlook the fact that your food is found under Webster's entry for "crap", and on pubmed's blacklist for "ingestables that can kill you". What I cannot ignore, is that your 'service' fucking sucks.
Your workers are rude, incompetent, and oblivious. I usually order 4 items, and only 50% of the time get the correct number. Whether or not the items are what I actually requested is another issue. The reason for such an inability to follow a simple list escapes logic. Similarly, the utter lack of urgency and consideration of your workers is despicable. Today I was particularly chuffed by the fact that my server allowed my food to be scooped up by equally incompetent coworkers, while I waited more than 10 minutes. While I can understand she did not want to dive into the clusterfuck that is the receiving end of the toxic-subsistence item assembly line, she made absolutely no attempt to fill my order. It was only after 10 minutes that she decided she would do her job.
When I had voiced my frustration, noting how I had been waiting while 11 (yes, I counted) customers had gotten their "food", and requested a complaint form, she nonchalantly said "you can speak to my manager". To which I should have replied "and you wonder why you're working here?". To McDonald's, I would like to say "fuck you".
Your workers are rude, incompetent, and oblivious. I usually order 4 items, and only 50% of the time get the correct number. Whether or not the items are what I actually requested is another issue. The reason for such an inability to follow a simple list escapes logic. Similarly, the utter lack of urgency and consideration of your workers is despicable. Today I was particularly chuffed by the fact that my server allowed my food to be scooped up by equally incompetent coworkers, while I waited more than 10 minutes. While I can understand she did not want to dive into the clusterfuck that is the receiving end of the toxic-subsistence item assembly line, she made absolutely no attempt to fill my order. It was only after 10 minutes that she decided she would do her job.
When I had voiced my frustration, noting how I had been waiting while 11 (yes, I counted) customers had gotten their "food", and requested a complaint form, she nonchalantly said "you can speak to my manager". To which I should have replied "and you wonder why you're working here?". To McDonald's, I would like to say "fuck you".
February 3, 2011
January 29, 2011
the internal Capgras
"you're the most competent person I know."
I felt myself jump, then wretch from disgust. Then came a slight tidal of fear. I am an imposter, have I mislead you? Maybe I am just too good at this wicked game of societal judgement. I am a horrible person. Not really me, but really me. I am a fraud.
I felt myself jump, then wretch from disgust. Then came a slight tidal of fear. I am an imposter, have I mislead you? Maybe I am just too good at this wicked game of societal judgement. I am a horrible person. Not really me, but really me. I am a fraud.
January 19, 2011
just never enough (part I)
I am a strong person. Yet, there are two feelings I cannot bear - disappointment in myself, and not being heard. These emotions were much too familiar as I was growing up. So severe, that even as the stimuli subsided, despair would persist. I was forced so deeply below the sea level of contentment, that I think I have never fully resurfaced for air.
January 13, 2011
thank you for your life
Did my first ever surgery today... on a rat nonetheless. Inserting a tracheal tube, and cannulizing the carotid artery and jugular vein. Amazing. Incredible. Breathless.
It felt great to channel such an intense focus, as if it really meant life or death. Maybe it stems from my childhood playing with strings, papers, and scissors... but those suture threads, gauze pads, and hemostats felt so comfortable to use. The pointed, blunt, and straight forceps... like extensions of my own hands. I actually thought, maybe this was what I was meant to do. Do I belong in the OR?
I was so nervous about my rat awakening...but I kept focused on the tick-tock of its breath. It was strangely calming. At the time, it meant everything, the rest of the world melted away.
Thank you, my unnamed rat, for staying with me. I am glad you were there for this moment.
It felt great to channel such an intense focus, as if it really meant life or death. Maybe it stems from my childhood playing with strings, papers, and scissors... but those suture threads, gauze pads, and hemostats felt so comfortable to use. The pointed, blunt, and straight forceps... like extensions of my own hands. I actually thought, maybe this was what I was meant to do. Do I belong in the OR?
I was so nervous about my rat awakening...but I kept focused on the tick-tock of its breath. It was strangely calming. At the time, it meant everything, the rest of the world melted away.
Thank you, my unnamed rat, for staying with me. I am glad you were there for this moment.
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